While, I sit back, with a choked throat ogling at other’s happiness and pride on having a mother in their respective lives, something pierced through my flesh and bones and hit me right where it is supposed to: the heart; A feeling that I never stumbled upon, or was perhaps suppressed with the ‘ever-so-fresh’ pains and commotion within me; a feeling so beautiful and untouched by most: A mother’s love achieves the truest glory, only in her absence.
“Get me a pretty saree, before you do anything else, with your first paycheck” You’d once demand, with a matronly tone, upon my wish to earn and buying a penthouse by the Bandra beach. Now with you no more of your naggings or whining for presents and demands, I often find myself frequenting the plush stores in search of that ‘pretty saree’ and a good ritzy handbag, for no reasons. “Who do you want it for Ma’am, your MOTHER? Ah, MOTHER’S DAY special?” the sales-boy grinned, expecting for a yes, last week, at the mall. “Yes, but probably ma doesn’t need it anymore. She might have toured the planet and have got herself plenty of luxuries and presents”, I walked out with a smile that day. Why? Maybe, I am at peace, that she isn’t having those toe-curling pain anymore. That she isn’t being calmed down with sedation anymore. That she doesn’t have to take any more tantrums from us. That she is now happily looking over us. That she is easily breathing in and out sans the bulky ventilation masks. That she is now talking and having her ever favorite : ’gobindbhog bhaat and alu-siddho’ with grandpas and enjoying the liberation from “moksh and maya’.
They say you haven’t left. Indeed so. I can feel you in the sudden wisps of breeze past midnight, making the wing-changs dance to its tune, and blowing my hair as if to caress me to sleep. I feel you in the serene languidness, in the freshly picked Roses, in the morning dews, flower scents being carried by the night air, the smell of the doused Earth. You are here…I know.
There is one thing mightier than death. The memories. It is ever so fresh and is the only thing that don’t die; perhaps, the only thing that defeated Death.
Happy Mother’s Day Mummy! I might not be fine without you, but that’s okay, I’m managing, like you did, like we all do, by clinging on to the best possible memories.